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The pain from losing her to suicide will be with me forever. I don’t think that it is like any other loss. There seems to be no way to have a pleasant thought of the past without it turning to the grim choice that she made… the most profound and painful thing I have ever experienced.
I cope fairly well most of the time now. There really is no “normal” in this world. Everything is always changing. And we don’t get to choose how it changes most of the time. When I establish a new cadence in my life, “normal” will most certainly include the constant awareness of this loss. I know that others carry on and seem fulfilled. I hope that I can do the same.
I was unable to write music and tribute for her up until now. The pain has been incapacitating. Not a day, not a moment passes, that I am not aware of the absence of my soulmate. And, I will probably be talking to her every day for the rest of my life.
I wonder if there is some level of consciousness on the other side, that is similar enough to here, that she can process what I think and say. Or, if the soul moves on to greater things and that there won’t be a reunion until the day I pass.
Either way, I’ll miss her always, and even if I find joy again, here on earth, she will forever be in my heart.
God, I miss you Kelly. No words will ever be able to express the pain… never in a million years.
